Saturday, November 29, 2008

Good News and Bad News

As you all know I went for my scope yesterday. The good news is they didn't find anything because of course I wasn't bleeding yesterday. The bad news is they didn't find anything. LOL. There were no growths or broken blood vessels seen. However, now we still have no idea what was causing it. My parents asked if it could do with stress and he said absolutely not. So the doctor told my parents that if I started bleeding again to call him and they would do another scope that day. For now though that is something else I can cross off my worry list. Again the power of prayer and God are at work in my life.

As for how I am doing today. I know it is hard to put into words, but I am at peace with everything that has happened. I am settling into my new life and actually loving it. I am OK with being a single parent and not having a man in my life. My parents have told me that they are beginning to see the happy person in me they haven't seen in years. They say I seem more relaxed and happy. I did begin to decorate for Christmas yesterday, but I am keeping it simple in case I need to move out in a hurry. Yes, I am giving him MY home that I love. I just can't afford it and I think I would like to move to a smaller more affordable place. Anyway, I have forgiven him and and am being the bigger person and not saying harsh things to him other than I would like to see him start giving me a little money to help support our son. This of course is making him angry and he is lashing out and now trying to say I was having an affair before he left me, which is very untrue. He is also saying very hurtful things about the last 9 nine years we were married which again are untrue. But you know I am letting the comments roll off and not falling into his bitterness, anger, and emotionally controlling ways (yes my counselor pointed this out). He doesn't understand why I am not more upset about this whole thing. You know all I can say is I don't know, but I do know that I am happier with the way things are now. When I see him I feel pity and sorrow and nothing else. I know this is weird, but I don't even feel any type of love for him at all even if he did give me our son. Anyway, I am at work so I better get busy.
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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I will be spending it with my family this year. We will all be going to my sister's house. She only asked me to bring my corn casserole and sweet potato casserole. Hmmmm... is she trying to tell me I don't know how to make anything else. LOL. My son already went to spend the night at her house with his cousin so it's just me and my DD this am. You know I really thought I would wake up depressed today, but I am not. I keep looking at how he is treating me and saying to me and I am truly glad he is gone. I do not deserve to be treated harsh or be emotionally controlled by anger anymore. Like you have all said Whenever God closes a door he opens a window. It may not be what I want, but God will provide for our needs.

As for the question that keeps coming up about the UTI. I was checked for that and there was no sign of infection. They did put me on an antibiotic just in case. It has not helped at all though. I believe it is the fact that I have been bleeding off and on for 1 1/2 weeks is not right. The Medical Assistant yesterday made me give a urine sample in the office. If any of you are familiar with Pyridiam it is an antibiotic you take for UTIs that turn your urine an orange/red color. Well, after she looked at my urine she asked if I was on that medicine. I told her NO and she just stopped in her tracks and stared at me. It was the funniest look I've ever seen. I said that is my urine for the last week and a half. She just shook her head and walked away to test it. The doc came in and said no infection just a huge amount of blood. Then told me about the scope and sent me for a ton of blood work. So I will let you all know how I am soon.
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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I Spoke to Soon

I ended up going to the urologist today as my doctor made me go. LOL. Anyway, the bleeding has started once again so I will be going in for an emergency scope and or surgery on Friday morning depending on what is found. Please keep me in your Thanksgiving prayers tomorrow as I will be worried sick all day. I am not allowed to eat or drink after midnight tomorrow night so I was sure to thank the doctor for allowing me to eat my Thanksgiving meal. LOL. I can not go without my pumpkin pie and sweet potato casserole.

I also went to see my attorney yesterday and had a lot of questions answered and given a clear direction. That feels like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It will now be in HIS hands to reply. We will see what happens.

In case I don't sign on tomorrow HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! I am thankful for all of you.
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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Happy Sunday

I just wanted all of you to know that the bleeding has stopped!!!!! Just as as fast as it started it stopped. I again spoke to the doctor Friday night after he spoke to the urologist. He told me that the urologist has only seen a few cases of tumors or cancer in "young people" and thought that what might have happened was that I had a really bad infection that actually burst one of the blood vessels in my bladder. That doctor is suppose to fit me in Monday, but I am wondering now if I need to go since it is done. WOOHOO the power of prayer!!!!!

I am going to the attorney on Tuesday and my girlfriend has said she will come with me. She has used this same one and has been cheering me on and helping me through this. She is a real spitfire. LOL. Just in case I forget what question I want to ask or whatever she has decided to open her shop late just to go with me.

My husband (ex or whatever he is) asked my son to HER house for Thanksgiving on Friday. My son has said he doesn't really want to go and would feel uncomfortable with her family since he doesn't really know them. I told him it was up to him. Yes I will admit I am smirking sorry...that he doesn't want to go with him. Anyway, I will have both of kids for Thanksgiving YIPPPEEEE!!!! Now my son is already worried about Christmas. He wants to make sure he gets to open all his presents everywhere. I told him we would worry about that later. All of his families would work around him. Oh a brighter note my MIL and I are talking. She and my FIL came to my sons' school program on Thursday and then he went and spent the night on Friday til Saturday with them. And if you are wondering no HE or SHE did not come on Thursday. My DD was worried about them coming and refused to sit with them if they did. I told her if they came I doubted they would sit with us and if they did we would move. Day by day this is getting easier with the kids and I am really enjoying being by myself though there are times I get lonely for companionship and someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, and a comforting hug that says it'll be alright. Don't worry girls there won't be any men in the near future!!! LOL. I have many things I am working on and through with my counselor. In time I am sure that I will share things as part of my healing process and moving on.
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Friday, November 21, 2008

Just a Quick Update

The doctor called me personally last night at home to discuss what needs to be done. He explained that he will be calling a urologist today and setting up a scope as he said it has to be in my bladder. I am so scared as you can imagine. First, of all I can't afford the doctor bills. Second, I can't afford to take off work as I have no paid sick days or vacation. I am borrowing money from my parents to be able to have heat as I will run out of propane in the next few weeks and I must get my natural gas line hooked up. I am going to a job fair today in hopes of getting a full time job although it will not be in the medical field. I have to do what I have to do to support me and my kids.
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Thursday, November 20, 2008

My Wonderful Friends

This week has been such a trial for me. In my previous post you'll remember I told you I was urinating blood well I went to the doctor and had a stat CT done he was checking for kidney stones. Well, the results came back negative no stones, but I'm still bleeding. The words bladder cancer were mentioned, but I need further tests. I am hoping it is only stress related. I look like death warmed over dark circles under my eyes and now I can not stop shaking. I was eating, but after the text conversation with HER, since he won't talk to me at all, I stopped eating again. She was very rude and mean to me over something she should not be involved in. The good news is he has decided to only have visitation with my son and I get custody. The bad news he wants the house, which I was ready to deal on until SHE got nasty with me. We are going to try a dissolution, but I can't see my attorney until next Tuesday. And then it means we must agree on everything. As long as I have my kids I'll be OK.

On to many Thank you's.

This beautiful inspirational card was sent by Linda Thank you so much it was so kind of you to send it my son also thought so to. P.S. I tried to email you, but my email addy for you isn't working.

This stitchery was just what I needed to see each and every day. It is still my motto. Thank you so much Kimberly it was so sweet of you.

Justina was so kind to send me this book. The awesome thing is her aunt helped write it and even signed it. I have only read a couple pages, but so far I love the way it is written.

This is where things get odd with the bracelet. Each and every bead on this bracelet has a meaning. It is about the life and death of Jesus and how much he cares for us. This bracelet was given to me by the CT tech at the hospital. She noticed that I wear bead bracelets and she took off her wrist and said I think you need this more than me. She had made it herself. She didn't know me from anyone else she just gave me a hug and the bracelet.

Then as I sat at the table telling my Mom about the bracelet she started to giggle. She said I need to show you something. She pulls the key chain from her purse and said a lady that she and my dad have talked to at Wendy's restaurant before saw them that day and talked with her at lunch. She is a member of a local church and does RAK. She handed my Mom the key chain and said give this to someone who needs it. So guess who has it. I know that you are all praying for us and I can see that it is working as things are getting easier. Thank you so much everyone.
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Monday, November 17, 2008

This is Taking its Toll

Oh I am at the point of wondering if things can get worse. I am not adjusting well to my medication so they added another one to help me sleep and not have my cold sweats all night long. Then yesterday I started to urinate blood and feel awful on top of. I am suppose to go back to the doctors tomorrow for that. I do not have the money to go as my husband has decided he will not help me until child support is ordered by the court. UGGHHHH!!!! Then my plumber informs me my hubby stiffed him for $400 that I never knew about. I have already explained to the kids that Christmas will be very small from me this year and my son has told me that it's alright if I don't buy him anything as his Dad and grandparents will and that will be enough. (Yes I am crying as I write this.)

On the up side if there is one... My neighbors are looking out for me. The one lady across the street invited me to make Christmas cookies with her. The other neighbor watches my house when he knows we are there and when we aren't and makes sure we're OK. Then my Dad called me today to tell me he knew some people who had rentals, here in the town I live in, that would be willing to for go the security deposit for a place for me when I'm ready to move. I am turning the corner on the depression and have been laughing the past few days. I have had friends coming out of the woodwork wanting to do stuff, but I just can't seem to push myself to go. I would rather stay in the house and be with my kids or by myself. I am getting better with the visitation stuff though I still don't like the living arrangements. I am trying to provide a stable place with lots of hugs and kisses here. I am still going to counseling once a week and it is helping as well as talking about things and getting it out in the open. Thanks to everyone for checking in on me and emailing me it is helping me to get through this.
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Thursday, November 13, 2008

I am Still Here

Just to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking. Thank you everyone for your kind emails, comments, and understanding I have read each and every one, but unfortunately I accidentally deleted some of you email addys so please forgive me if I didn't answer you back. I have been a bit scatter brained lately. This is the first I've been on the computer for awhile I just can't seem to find the time. I have been spending a lot more time with my kids and looking for another job. I am slowly adjusting to be being by myself and having my son go for visitation. I am use to him always being here with me. He says he got homesick when he spent the night this past weekend and it broke my heart. He is the one really suffering through all of this. He is torn and still believes his Daddy is coming home. I keep hoping too, but it is not going to happen I need to face the truth and try to move on. There is just too much hurt and anger between the two of us to hope for a reconciliation. Believe me I have tried to talk to him and tried to work things out even this morning.
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Sunday, November 9, 2008

In All Fairness

I must tell you some things about me. I have been informed that I must tell you about how I was unfaithful to my husband about 6 years ago. He stuck up for me and told his parents some awful things because of me. However, he stuck by me and we worked through them and stayed together. He forgave me, but never forgot which is understandable. I just want you all to know that I am not without fault. I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal and I am not trying to air my dirty laundry and get your pity. After this post no more about what is going on. There is no one at fault other than myself and my husband and nor should anyone think anything about anyone else involved. I am sorry I have caused embarassment to certain people because of my blog, but I wanted to come clean and let you know I am not without blame.
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The Last Chorus Has Been Sung

We are now officially done. I confronted him and his "friend" last night and it was confirmed they have been having an affair. I never trusted this "friend" from the day they started working together. His clothes are on the porch and I told him to get his stuff out. I went hysterical after he left and it could have been much worse. He took my son to HER house where he told me that he would be spending the night even though I am not comfortable with that. Today my mood is anger to make myself calm for when he drops off my son and we talk about visitation and finances. I feel like I could just scream and cry and kick and punch. I am trying to keep my composure because my DD wants nothing to do with him and has been staying with me. He kept telling me she was just a friend that he always had girls as friends in high school. I trusted him I even confronted him a long time ago about her and he denied it. Now I have no trust left in him. Well, I need to prepare myself for the visit see you later.
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Saturday, November 8, 2008

Happy Anniversary To Me

Today is my 11th anniversary. I obviously will not be celebrating. I have still been out filling out applications at several places and have one interview Wednesday though the hours may not work for my kids. I have several other places to go as I told a co worker of mine from another EMS department what happened and my plight spread like wild fire. I have had several people texting me with places to look for jobs. These people know me in the county from EMS from all of my networking and classes that I teach. I also need tires for my car and went to a local place for prices we got to talking and he is also a firefighter from a neighboring dept so he gave me a discount on my tires. It is amazing how fast God works. I also went and got my "happy pills" at the doctor yesterday. I have lost about 5 lbs so far according to his scale. I went to bed at 8pm and woke up at 6:30 this am. The best sleep I've had. Guess I won't be taking those during the day. LOL. I felt drugged.

I went and worked at my friends shop for her Christmas open house yesterday. It was a little difficult for me as my SIL, MIL, and aunt in law came in. None of us know what to say to each other. (Tiff you know how I feel.. Mom if you are reading this you guys did nothing wrong we can still talk and do things after all you are still grandma and the kids still want to see you but it is up to you.) But I got to watch people buying my items, but never said a word. Remember my Canadian Goose it sold while I was there to a lady whose husband is dying of cancer and he loved the outdoors and woods. I had not sign it, but the lady asked me if I would after my friend Kim told her I made it. Then another lady saw it and now she wants me to make one for her also. No one bought the little crocks I made (they just don't have good taste I guess LOL), but it was only the first day of open house. I came home and my parents called to ask me and the kids to dinner. My son decided to go to my sisters to spend the night so my DD and I went. Today I have nothing planned, but to do some laundry and work on my stocking swap I have for Scoti of Red Cinnamon Prims.
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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Day By Day...

That is now my new motto. He is gone as of Monday night and has told me he doesn't want to work on the marriage or seek counseling. He comes in the mornings to see the kids still though. His stuff is still here as he has been sleeping in his truck or at his friend's house from work. The kids and I will be OK. Granted I can not afford all the bills on my own so I am out putting in applications in hopes of getting a job with health benefits. For now he has assured me he will help pay and will not drop me from the health insurance until I can get it for my DD sake and her meds. I saw a counselor yesterday, who advised me to see my physician for short term anti-depressive and anxiety meds. I go there tomorrow. For now sleeping is out of the question and so is eating. I did not cry today when he came over or while we were talking. I am so afraid of being alone with my kids. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. I am sorry that this blog has turned into a sad one and you all don't want to hear my problems. I will get through this no matter how it turns out.
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Monday, November 3, 2008

It is Very Easy to Point Fingers

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers, but please keep him in your prayers also. It took two to get to this point and I am not faultless by any means. It just came as a huge shock as I didn't even see it coming. He is still here in the meantime until we do a little more talking. Maybe we just need a little time away from each other to sort things out and try to make it work. I am hoping this is the plan, but the final decision has not been made.
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It Is With A Heavy Heart

I will no longer be blogging as of today. My husband has decided it would be best to leave me and his kids. So I must now pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here. It has been a huge blessing to have met each and every single one of you and I appreciate each and every comment I have received. You all have been my best friends that I never had. Thank you to each and every one of you. I will miss you very much.
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Sunday, November 2, 2008

Fat Friday Recipe!!!!

Sorry everyone about just getting around to my recipe. I have been working a lot and also have some other personal issues I am dealing with. But since I promised a recipe a recipe you will get.

Pineapple Salad

1 can pineapple tidbits
1/2 cup sugar
2 Tbsp Flour
2 whole eggs (slightly beaten)
2 Tbsp butter
1 cup mini marshmallows
2-3 sliced bananas

Drain pineapple juice into sauce pan. Combine sugar, flour, eggs, and butter with juice. Cook slowly until mixture thickens stirring frequently. Cool thickened sauce and add drained pineapple and marshmallows. Add bananas just before serving. Also really good with sliced strawberries if in season. This keeps well so it can be made ahead of time for your gathering.
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